Amy, a victim of domestic violence in the for of physical and psychological abuse, lives in a waiting room. Her sympathetic eyes and compassionate voice comfort you as she apologises for the mess. Of course, there is no mess in this sparse space and you wonder if she finds the upright furniture relaxing. Maybe she cannot relax, since seven years ago Amy lost her daughter. No, Amy’s daughter did not have a terminal illness, neither was she killed in a road accident nor blown up in a terrorist attack. Her daughter is very much alive but “was ripped away from her” by Amy’s abusive husband with the aid of bungling lawyers, biased social workers, and uninterested authorities.
Endless Abuse and Domestic Violence for Women
The waiting room where Amy lives is her modest apartment where no clock adorns the walls. Time is absent; maybe time is painful; better not to have it as a reminder. Amy has her own internal clock, she is ‘in waiting’, and you feel it. Her daughter, Beth, now aged 16, “is the love of her life” and Amy, an academic, an educated woman, copes with her daughter’s absence by distracting herself with her writing. Meanwhile she awaits her daughter’s return.
For the first 6 years of Beth's life, Amy’s husband “raged and ranted abuse daily,” whispers Amy. “I felt clueless; I trusted men because of my gentle father. I didn’t know that men verbally abused women, hit or financially controlled. I hid my bruises and he made excuses. He had the ability, like my mother, to flip; I never knew ‘who’ was coming home; I was always whisking Beth away. I thought I had married my father but I hadn’t, I had married my mother.”
Legal Abuse - How Could The System Allow this Happen?
For four years Amy’s husband, with enough financial means to hire a top lawyer, stalked her through the legal system. “The law suits didn’t stop coming,” says Amy quietly. “I won the first two custody battles and managed to hold onto Beth until she was nine years old. He had visitation rights but he would torment me by not returning Beth on time, hiding her, buying her expensive gifts and inciting her to leave me.”
Flawed Legal System and Bureaucratic Abuse
After years of being shattered, battered, and drained financially, Amy “cracked.” “The legal process went wrong because I was a naïve idiot,” she says. Even though Amy had legal custody, she knew her husband “would continue to taunt and threaten [her]." Eventually, in fear of her life, penniless and worn out, she told her daughter, “I can’t take this anymore; he is tearing you apart.” “I thought,” says Amy, “if he gets custody, things will calm down. I phoned him and told him, I give up.”
Amy says the hardest part of the whole ordeal was “letting go of the vision [she] had of being the perfect mother. “It rips me apart,” she says, “when I think that he has her.” Once she had given birth, it was Amy’s aim for her daughter to experience a childhood different to that of her own. For over seven years she has been trying to forgive herself “for not being able to stand up to the degree of aggression and corruption from the legal and social services systems that abet men in their abuse of wives and children.”
Domestic Abuse - the Loss Women have to face
How does Amy face the loss of motherhood, a joyous, one-and-only experience that she had always dreamed about? How does she control her yearning to be with her daughter, her only child?
“My father, a street kid in Eastern Europe, was a survivor,” she replies, “and although he passed away many years ago, I talk to him everyday and I tell him: daddy, things are hard.”
Amy pauses looks straight ahead and says, “But you know, I am his daughter, I have survived, and it’s amazing that I have.”
Amy has spent over seven years apart from her daughter. She will never fulfill her dream of raising a child or will she feel the joy of motherhood that many women cherish. She will never accomplish her goal of providing a life for her daughter that would compensate for her own mother’s violence towards her.
Domestic Abuse – A Daily Occurrence for some Women– Why?
Domestic violence is widespread, yet, even though there is information and help available, numerous women do not choose to use it and/or cannot fight their legal systems because they do not have the appropriate resources at hand.
The US organisation of Domestic Violence Statistics, using reports based on data from ten countries state that “between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organisations, shelters, or the police for help.” Therefore, statistics of abuse and domestic violence should be viewed only as an approximation, a fact reiterated in the 22-page report of The Australian Domestic Violence Clearing House on "Australian Statistics on Domestic Violence."
According to the DomesticViolenceStatistics.Org in the United States:
- A woman is assaulted or beaten every 9 seconds.
- More than 3 women daily are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
- Worldwide, at least 1 in every 3 women has been abused during her lifetime.
In a 53-page report, "Family Violence in Canada: A Statistical Profile, 2009", by the General Social Survey (GSS) found that 6% of Canadian women “reported being physically or sexually victimised by their spouse in the 5 years preceding the survey.”
According to NOW National Organisation for Women, over 50% of Canadian women have experienced abuse since the age of 16.
In the United Kingdom, according to Women’s aid:
- 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime.
- One occurrence of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute.
- About 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.
Psychological Abuse and Domestic Violence are Daily Occurences
Despite pages of reports and numerous organisations including the Family Violence Prevention Fund and the white ribbon campaign , women who suffer physical, sexual, and emotional abuse remain victimised and do not seek out help. When they do find the courage to step forward, like Amy, the system often fails them and leaves them devastated.
The information given by Amy is an extract taken from the author's interview with her. Some of the details have been changed to protect the identity of mother and child.
Lesley Lanir - Freelance writer, lecturer and teacher trainer Lesley Lanir, writes on foreign language learning disorders, linguistics, and literature.
